Diana Loomans - What All Children Want Their Parents to Know

TWELVE QUALITIES OF A WELL-LOVED CHILD
by Diana Loomans © 2005

In working with parents of all ages and backgrounds as a life coach, I often ask them to list what they consider to be the five greatest accomplishments of their life. Never once has the acquirement of real estate or a great investment hit the top-five list. Never has traveling to a great getaway place made the list. Never has earning a career bonus or winning an award made the list. Without fail, loving family and others well is what makes it onto the list — and loving a child is always at the very top of the list.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said that, “The beauty and happiness of children makes the heart too big for the body.” What a great accomplishment it is to love a child, and to cultivate their vast heart and soul. Whether as a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, foster parent, mentor, teacher, or beloved family friend, few things will ever reap such bounty as influencing a child’s life for the better. A well-loved child will spread love into the world to the power of ten. A well-loved child will contribute talent, time, and service to the world, and aspire to make it a better place.

The twelve qualities of a well-loved child serve as reminders of what we have a hand in molding, as we give to the children we love so dearly each day:

Twelve Qualities of a Well-Loved Child
A child who is deeply loved and cared for feels;

1.	Secure: safe, protected, nurtured, and cared for
2.	Curious: fascinated by new experiences, learning, and the unknown
3.	Joyful: takes joy in life ’s many small and great blessings
4.	Playful: interactive, fun-loving, and capable of playing alone and with others
5.	Confident: has a healthy esteem and belief in her talents and abilities
6.	Risk-taking: overcomes fear and tries new things; takes calculated risks
7.	Resilient: bounces back from mistakes, setbacks, and corrections
8.	Authentic: sincere, unpretentious, and natural
9.	Trustworthy: honest, credible, and reliable in word and deed
10.	Congenial: good-natured, friendly, and capable of relating well with others
11.	Conscientious: mature, aware, thorough, and diligent
12.	Loving: caring, extending, forgiving, and loving of himself and others

All children have a deep desire to be loved without condition, especially from their parents – the people who will influence them more than anyone else in the world. If children could speak about love from the depths of their hearts to the important adults in their lives, perhaps they would say the following;

A MESSAGE FROM ALL CHILDREN
ABOUT THE POWER OF LOVE

Dear Parent or Guardian,
What you teach me about love
Will be etched in my heart forever.

When your love is conditional,
You teach me to feel unlovable.
When your love is enduring,
You teach me that I am lovable.

When you are distant or cold,
You teach me to close my heart.
When you are caring and warm,
You teach me to be openhearted

So please tell me you love me
In all that you say and do.
I’ll know the meaning of love
And be devoted to you in return.

For more information about this book, visit www.whatallchildrenwant.com

Four Steps to True Listening

by Diana Loomans

We would have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less.
— Diogenes

Most of us have rarely been truly listened to, and we savor the occasion when it happens. Observe any dialogue, and you’ll notice that most people quickly steer a conversation back to themselves or their own interests. When a person says, “I’m not feeling well,” the average response might be, “I had a touch of the flu last week myself, and I didn’t feel well for three days.” A good listener might respond with, “Tell me more” or, “Really? When did you begin to feel this way?” or, “I’m sorry to hear that. Is there any way I can help?” A good listener stays with the one talking and finds out more.

Young children are keenly aware when an adult is truly listening to them, since it is not an everyday occurrence for most kids. A woman by the name of Laura, director of a local day care center, possesses the charismatic quality of being a true listener. She is so present to the children that she seems to listen with every ounce of her, and the kids all love her! She strokes each child’s hair, holds their hands, touches their faces, or picks them up as they talk to her. Children gravitate to her, and they climb all over her five-foot-ten frame as though she were a great oak tree! They love to tell her all manner of interesting tidbits, from new sibling arrivals to the bubblegum that got stuck in their hair the night before.

Laura responds to each story with animation, inviting the children with her dramatic expressions to tell her more. “You have a brand-new baby sister? I’ll bet she sleeps a whole lot,” she might say while pretending to charily hold a sleeping infant. “You got orange bubblegum in your hair last night?” she might ask. “Oh, my, we better find my great big Jolly Green Giant scissors!”The children never have any trouble coming up with stories to tell her, both real and fabricated, and they flock around her every chance they can, waiting to share their latest captivating adventures.

Overcome the “Half-Listening Syndrome”

Because true listening is rare, people often listen to one another without really hearing what has been said. Adults may become so lost in thought that they begin to suffer from the dreaded HLS (half-listening syndrome), which leaves room for being only partially present at best. Every child over the age of one recognizes the symptoms of HLS — the tense, distracted, or faraway expressions and the rote responses to whatever is being said, such as “mmhmm,” “not right now,” or “can’t you see Mommy’s busy?”

The frustration that mounts when a child realizes there is no way to rouse an adult from half-listening is palpable and frequently results in the child becoming ornery or acting out in some disagreeable way to get the needed attention. When my daughter, Julia, was very young, she developed a strategy to bring me, quite literally, to my knees whenever I was not really listening to her. She would determinedly tug on my legs until I would finally crouch down to her eye level. Then she would cup her little hands on either side of my face and say, “Now I can see you, Mommy.” What she really meant was now I could see her — and like all children, she yearned to be seen as well as heard.

A young man in his mid-forties experienced the passing of his mother with a great sorrow that took him by surprise since they were not close and she had been ill for a number of years before she died. Ben had a difficult time getting to the bottom of what seemed like an endless well of grief. “What I finally realized was that in all my forty-six years, I didn’t feel that my mother ever really listened to me. She talked at me rather than with me, and because she was chronically depressed, she often looked past me, rather than at me when she was talking to me.”
He can hardly remember a time when his mother was truly present. What was most distressing to him was the realization that he would never in this lifetime experience the often dreamed-of conversations with his mother in which she would find his ideas interesting, laugh at his jokes, or be compelled by his presence. He had to face the fact that his mother was gone, and that she hadn’t seen or known him the way he’d wished for. Sadly, he felt that he never really knew her either. On the evening of her funeral, he was awake all night, crying in the arms of his wife saying over and over, “I never knew her...and she never knew me.”
While it seemed an irreconcilable loss for him, over time it filled him with a new sense of conviction — to reveal himself more to the people he most cared about and to listen better to everyone he came in contact with, in honor of the mother he dearly loved but never really knew.

A good listener is rare.

Imagine how much more prepared we would be for life if we’d taken a course entitled “Listening 101” by the time we were ten, followed by another course entitled “Advanced Listening Skills” by the time we left the sixth grade! Most of us only half-learn the skill of listening. If we are superbly fortunate, we learn from someone who imparts this skill by modeling it him- or herself. Children who can listen intently to others are few and far between. And kids who are skilled at listening to a peer’s side of a conflict without having a knee-jerk reaction are an even rarer breed.

Countless children have never been taught the vital skill of listening well when given instructions or directions. Imagine the host of human challenges large and small that could be prevented by the simple act of listening without distraction or defense. I designed the following four-part formula to help people of all ages develop the vital skill of true listening. It can be used at home, in the classroom, or in any group, including business settings:

Step One: Listen fully. Focus completely on the person speaking. Hold direct eye contact, show care and interest, and hear what is being said with an open mind and heart. Most important, listen without judgment of any kind. This helps create a safe atmosphere, which encourages engaging conversation.

Step Two: Listen without giving feedback. The second step of true listening is usually the most challenging. Remain quiet as another speaks, despite what thoughts, perceptions, or opinions may surface. This will spur the speaker on to reveal more and to move into a deeper dialogue. Save comments or suggestions for later, and only if asked. If you say anything at all, use words that will bring out the speaker even more, such as, “Tell me more” or, “What happened next?”

Step Three: Repeat what is being said. The most frequent error that most listeners make at this point is attempting to solve the problem at hand or to share their own thoughts or experiences, rather than staying with the one talking. Instead, repeat back what is being said to show that you are really getting it: “So, it sounds like you’re really irritated about this” or, “You seem very happy about that.” The simple act of mirroring helps a person to feel heard and to understand more of his or her own feelings and needs.

Step Four: Ask questions rather than giving opinions. At some point, the person talking will most likely want feedback from you. The most valuable response that you can offer is to make an inquiry rather than offering an opinion. “What do you think of returning to school?” is far more valuable than, “I think that you should go back to school.”

Asking questions allows for the dignity of choice and keeps possibilities open. Even if you are pressed for an opinion, you can offer it in the form of a question, such as, “What do you think of staying home tonight?” or, “What if you apologized to her?”

Socrates was convinced that asking questions was the superior way to teach others and made it the cornerstone of his philosophy. If one of his students asked him a question, he would respond with a question rather than an answer, such as, “What do you think the answer is?” He knew that answering with a question gave room to develop self-reliance, which, along with the skill of true listening, is an invaluable combination for children of all ages.

From the book, What All Children Want Their Parents to Know: 12 Keys to Raising
a Happy Child by Diana Loomans & Julia Godoy © 2005 New World Library

For more information about this book, visit www.whatallchildrenwant.com